Steplife: A New Development

New Development—for the first time ever, SS has ditched BM—at least in her mind.

SS is seriously behind in his schoolwork—we just found out about his, uh, disorganization last week. DH has SS on track to get caught up what he has missed while keeping up with what is due.


So, last night, was BM’s night to have the kids—OH, I should mention—DH has joint physical custody of his kids. Each parent has the kids (or I should say is suppose to have the kids) overnight every other night and every other weekend Friday until Monday morning.


SD and BM are still not talking to each other.



BM shows up to get SS. SS tells BM that he has a lot of homework to do and that he will not be able do it at her place so he is staying with DH.

This is the first time that SS has EVER done something like this. SS knows that this will make BM angry and typically avoids any kind of "awkwardness" he possibly can. SS often gets upset with SD because he says that SD *talks* to much and that *makes Mommy mad*.

SS came back in and told DH that BM was mad.

This weekend is supposed to be her weekend—it will be interesting to see what happens. She may *retaliate* by not showing up to get SS Friday-night. It is a wait and see situation.

Neither of the kids were/are happy being at BM’s. The place is filthy, she has nothing for them to do—no TV or computer etc.—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except—she doesn’t do anything with them. No play acting of stories, going to the park, a museum, anything. Well, maybe shopping—she is a hoarder which leads back to the place being filthy and crammed with *stuff*.

Wouldn’t you think, that as a mother, you would take the hint that your kids are not happy with the way you are living and make some changes—like wash some dishes? Put away some clothes (after washing them). Show some interest in THEIR life?

Steplife- where am I now?

Oh boy is THAT a loaded question!

Over the years I have gone back and forth between trying to ignore the “nosie” that BM creates with SD and SS regarding my involvement in their lives.

My career affords me the luxury of a flexible schedule. I am able to go to work very early and leave in the afternoon. This enabled me to be able to pick up the kids so they did not have to stay in after school care until 6:00 pm every night. I did this until the kids asked DH to ask me to stop because it made BM angry and she would yell at them.

Way to go scary mommy!

We would did this round at the beginning of every semester for a couple of years—the kids HATED being at afterschool care until ~6:00 pm, the earliest that DH or BM can pick them up. Never mind what they want!

Then I stopped altogether. You get to a point of why bother.

DH and I were adopting our first child and I focused solely on preparing for her arrival. We have now adopted twice (and feel our family is complete—I’ll talk about the adoptions at some point). With each adoption BM made a production with the kids—that DH would no longer be available to them.

Are you kidding? DH spends more solo time with SD and SS now than he did before the adoption. Really—anyone ever try finding something to do that tween/teens will enjoy and that preschoolers can also participate in? Kinda hard.
Another newness—now all of a sudden BM doesn’t mind that SD and SS are almost ALWAYS at our house—with just me and DH is at work.

NOW it is ok—except I would prefer to have some quality alone time with my daughters.

I have gone through periods of indifference with SD and SS; periods of trying to be an adult friend without pushing; periods of next to resentment (nipped it before actually hitting full resentment—an ugly place to be); periods of not wanting SS and SD around at all; to now.

Where is now?

Good question-- I'm not sure, but it feels different than anywhere I've been before. I am more involved with SD and SS--sometimes willingly-- sometimes not so willingly. I am still sometimes bitchy-- but I think that is party of my nature. I am somewhat detached from the drama so that it does not consume-- although it does still affect me.

I guess I am approaching acceptance to a point-- I guess. I still get frustrated with steplife situations and all the BM crap. I find myself yet again being pulled into the drama, but I feel I am doing a better job of deciding how I will react to the drama (not a perfect job by a long shot—but a better job).

SD is having a really hard time right now. She had an argument with BM over a month ago regarding the cleanliness (lack of) in their home. The story as we heard it from SD is that BM picked up SD and SS from our home, drove them to her home and told them she was going to the library to clean up her FB page.

SD asked BM to come inside and they would help her clean the apartment—all the dishes are dirty, there are piles of dirty clothes and just *junk* all over, and fruit flies all over.
BM said no, she is going to the library. SD responded,

“Forget FB you need to get rid of the F-ing fruitflies!”

Yeah—not the best choice of words and to clarify—SD is NOT a mouthy teen. She (both of them) are pretty good kids with good manners.

BM slapped SD (not hard enough to break skin or leave a mark) and told her if she doesn’t like living with her she can live with DH.

SD responded fine and has been living with us since. SD and BM have not even talked since then.
We had a similar occurrence last summer—but it didn’t last as long as it is this time. SD is seeing a counselor—she has been seeing her for about 6-months. Last Spring we had a couple situations that were clearly scary “cries for help,” from SD.

The counselor has been trying to contact BM and arrange for BM to come see her. Well, last night, DH found out that the counselor finally managed to talk to BM on the phone and BM said she will not come to talk with her.

Great. SD is crushed.

Not a lot I can do. SD doesn’t want her stepmom—she wants her mom. Even though SD likes me she still feels those loyalty issues that BM has instituted over the past several years.

On somewhat of a side note—sort of related, but not entirely—related to me being a better stepmom—but far from perfect.

Friday-night I was really irritated with DH, SD, and SS. It is one night we can have dinner together and when I call people to eat—nobody comes!
Grrr!

I mentioned it. SD said she was asleep. I responded that this wasn’t the first time this has ever happened—in a snippy tone.

Sd was upset about it because she comes when I call for dinner—SS is the one who lolly-gags. I later told SD that if I ever say something that upsets her or she feels is unfair to tell me. I told her that I don’t want to hurt her. She said OK and that she doesn’t want to hurt me either.

Then we hugged—sort of.

Blended Family: Add Two stepkids and one Psycho Ex Wife

Froggy and I moved pretty quickly once we decided we were serious. I met his kids and we were engaged shortly thereafter. We waited a few months before we told SD and SS.

We bought our house a couple months before we married and moved in. Froggy and I did sleep in separate rooms when SD and SS were with us—until we were married.

To give you a flavor of the indoctrination experience to becoming a stepmonster-- Comments situations dealt with--in a nutshell:
EX never helped SD and SS with presents for Froggy. I asked SD if she and SS would like me help them with a Father’s Day present:
SD response: No, because you are only the fioncee and don’t really count. My mommy is going to do it.
--note that SD and SS ended up asking me to help them because EX didn’t.

EX contantly telling the kids that it is disloyal for them to love Froggy. Saying she wishes Froggy would die.

Ex lying to Froggy about the date and time the kids were being Baptised so he would miss it.

Ex constantly telling the kids that it is disloyal for them to like me and not to have any relationship with me.


Ex telling kids to bring their dirty clothes from her house to our house for me to wash and to bring their clean clothes from our house to her house. I caught on and switched the clean clothes the kids had grabbed with the dirty clothes that arrived from Ex’s the week before. The clothes situation stopped after a few rounds of this.

Ex telling the kids that it is OK—she just wants to know how they really feel about me. When they told her that they like me and that I am a fun person and nice to them—EX flipped and started screaming at them for being disloyal to her. I believe SD as 8-9 and SS was 6-7 years old when this happened.

EX coming to our house screaming that I am a bitch in our front yard and me following suit—all in front of the kids. Not one of my finest moments in life by a longshot. I could say it had been boiling, blame it on a bad combination of hard day at work and PMS—but in the end, I am an adult and I should not have EX push my buttons in this manner.

EX frequently and consistently not being reliable about picking up the kids.

EX telling me I have no business showing up at school events for the kids—even though the kids invited me to attend.

EX calling the kids while they are at our home and keeping them on the phone for hours to limit their interaction with me and Froggy.

Ex calling the kids at our home and talking badly about Froggy, me, Froggy’s family to try to undermine relationships the kids have with people other than her.


Ex calling our home screaming that I tried to drown SS by teaching him to ride a boogie board—we could hear SS crying for her to stop in the background. SS was 8 or 9 when this happened.

Ex not allowing Froggy to talk to the kids or them to him when they are with her and demanding that the kids call her when they are at our home. If the kids don’t call her, she berates them when she sees them for being disloyal.

Ex not providing kids with beds to sleep in at her home—this went on for years before the kids told Froggy. Ex yelled at the kids for telling Froggy and it was still several months before the situation was rectified.

Ex telling the kids that when Froggy and I adopted children that SD and SS would no longer be wanted in our home.

Ex constantly favoring SD over SS to the extent that even SS is uncomfortable.

Ex telling SD that if she was the kind of daughter Froggy wanted—he would not have adopted two additional daughters.

Ex not keeping her home clean and blaming SD for being disloyal when she told Froggy that the place is such a state there is nowhere clean for her to sleep/do homework/ eat/ etc. This happened when SD was 13 and again now a year later.

Ex not talking to SD for now going on a month for the reason stated above.

Ex ignoring the phone calls from SD therapist who wants EX to come in a talk.

Where To Begin?

I am not sure just yet where I am heading with this blog. Right now I plan for it to be a place of reflection and discussion on a range of topics that frequent my family life: transracial adoption, adoptee rights, being a stepmom and at times being a stepmonster.

Tongue and Cheek humor does not always come across in blogging-- so please ask before becoming too judgemental and if something really offends-- you can always look elsewhere for your reading enjoyment.

I’m not promising a well outlined, organized blog. I’m actually anticipating that this blog will be disjointed—I am a career woman in her early 40’s with four children living under my roof. A lot has happened in the past years and I am not going to even attempt to fully chronicle everything in the events as they occurred. Maybe I can figure out how to use tags or something if anyone else shows up here and actually does want to look at topics in a more flowing fashion.

Where to start?

I am married for the second time—to wonderful man who came with two children from his first marriage. I thankfully, do not have any children from my first marriage. Yes, I said thankfully. Watching how difficult life is for my stepkids has only reassured me that it was a good thing I did not procreate with my Ex-husband. My first marriage was relatively short.
A story for another time—perhaps.

Perhaps not.

My current husband Hmm, what should I call him? I’m not really into the princess theme crap stuff and our life is far from a Disney style fairly tale—maybe a frog prince, I’ll call him Froggy.

OK—the following is partly from what I have heard from Froggy, his family, and read in court papers.

Froggy was married to his Ex-wife for 10 years. I will refer to her as simply, “EX.” Theirs was a pretty dysfunctional marriage.

They were young and his Ex was being deported from the USA—she actually showed very little interest in Froggy until the whole deportation thing came up (imagine that?!).

Froggy married her and all was basically good until they had SD about 4 years in.

Then EX decided she wanted nothing to do with Froggy’s family and she didn’t want them around HER daughter. The marriage hit the rocks, but not before Froggy and EX had another baby, a son, a couple years after their daughter.

Froggy decided to stick it out until his son was a couple years old.

During that time Froggy went for months without EX saying a word to him. When she did talk to him, she was verbally abusive. EX liked to spend most of their money on clothes etc. and financial problems often resulted from her overspending.

The marriage continued to disintegrate to the point that EX became violent toward Froggy and she was even arrested twice for domestic violence.




The second and last time, EX was court ordered to not see her children until she completed an anger management course as she came close to harming their son during her last tantrum.
I will refer to my stepdaughter as SD and my stepson as SS (keeping it simple).

It took 2-years for Froggy to complete his divorce and was awarded joint physical custody of his children ages 4 and 6.

Enter—Me—only a couple months after Froggy’s divorce. We dated for about 2 years, during which time I did not meet Froggy’s children. Froggy did not want his children to meet women he dated—only if the relationship was going to become marriage. After about 2 years, we decided we wanted to get married.

Honestly, sometimes I think I need to have my head examined.

Marrying a man who already has two kids—and a psycho EX wife is not the best path in life!

Sometimes I look back and wonder WTH was I really thinking?