Steplife: A New Development

New Development—for the first time ever, SS has ditched BM—at least in her mind.

SS is seriously behind in his schoolwork—we just found out about his, uh, disorganization last week. DH has SS on track to get caught up what he has missed while keeping up with what is due.


So, last night, was BM’s night to have the kids—OH, I should mention—DH has joint physical custody of his kids. Each parent has the kids (or I should say is suppose to have the kids) overnight every other night and every other weekend Friday until Monday morning.


SD and BM are still not talking to each other.



BM shows up to get SS. SS tells BM that he has a lot of homework to do and that he will not be able do it at her place so he is staying with DH.

This is the first time that SS has EVER done something like this. SS knows that this will make BM angry and typically avoids any kind of "awkwardness" he possibly can. SS often gets upset with SD because he says that SD *talks* to much and that *makes Mommy mad*.

SS came back in and told DH that BM was mad.

This weekend is supposed to be her weekend—it will be interesting to see what happens. She may *retaliate* by not showing up to get SS Friday-night. It is a wait and see situation.

Neither of the kids were/are happy being at BM’s. The place is filthy, she has nothing for them to do—no TV or computer etc.—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except—she doesn’t do anything with them. No play acting of stories, going to the park, a museum, anything. Well, maybe shopping—she is a hoarder which leads back to the place being filthy and crammed with *stuff*.

Wouldn’t you think, that as a mother, you would take the hint that your kids are not happy with the way you are living and make some changes—like wash some dishes? Put away some clothes (after washing them). Show some interest in THEIR life?

Steplife- where am I now?

Oh boy is THAT a loaded question!

Over the years I have gone back and forth between trying to ignore the “nosie” that BM creates with SD and SS regarding my involvement in their lives.

My career affords me the luxury of a flexible schedule. I am able to go to work very early and leave in the afternoon. This enabled me to be able to pick up the kids so they did not have to stay in after school care until 6:00 pm every night. I did this until the kids asked DH to ask me to stop because it made BM angry and she would yell at them.

Way to go scary mommy!

We would did this round at the beginning of every semester for a couple of years—the kids HATED being at afterschool care until ~6:00 pm, the earliest that DH or BM can pick them up. Never mind what they want!

Then I stopped altogether. You get to a point of why bother.

DH and I were adopting our first child and I focused solely on preparing for her arrival. We have now adopted twice (and feel our family is complete—I’ll talk about the adoptions at some point). With each adoption BM made a production with the kids—that DH would no longer be available to them.

Are you kidding? DH spends more solo time with SD and SS now than he did before the adoption. Really—anyone ever try finding something to do that tween/teens will enjoy and that preschoolers can also participate in? Kinda hard.
Another newness—now all of a sudden BM doesn’t mind that SD and SS are almost ALWAYS at our house—with just me and DH is at work.

NOW it is ok—except I would prefer to have some quality alone time with my daughters.

I have gone through periods of indifference with SD and SS; periods of trying to be an adult friend without pushing; periods of next to resentment (nipped it before actually hitting full resentment—an ugly place to be); periods of not wanting SS and SD around at all; to now.

Where is now?

Good question-- I'm not sure, but it feels different than anywhere I've been before. I am more involved with SD and SS--sometimes willingly-- sometimes not so willingly. I am still sometimes bitchy-- but I think that is party of my nature. I am somewhat detached from the drama so that it does not consume-- although it does still affect me.

I guess I am approaching acceptance to a point-- I guess. I still get frustrated with steplife situations and all the BM crap. I find myself yet again being pulled into the drama, but I feel I am doing a better job of deciding how I will react to the drama (not a perfect job by a long shot—but a better job).

SD is having a really hard time right now. She had an argument with BM over a month ago regarding the cleanliness (lack of) in their home. The story as we heard it from SD is that BM picked up SD and SS from our home, drove them to her home and told them she was going to the library to clean up her FB page.

SD asked BM to come inside and they would help her clean the apartment—all the dishes are dirty, there are piles of dirty clothes and just *junk* all over, and fruit flies all over.
BM said no, she is going to the library. SD responded,

“Forget FB you need to get rid of the F-ing fruitflies!”

Yeah—not the best choice of words and to clarify—SD is NOT a mouthy teen. She (both of them) are pretty good kids with good manners.

BM slapped SD (not hard enough to break skin or leave a mark) and told her if she doesn’t like living with her she can live with DH.

SD responded fine and has been living with us since. SD and BM have not even talked since then.
We had a similar occurrence last summer—but it didn’t last as long as it is this time. SD is seeing a counselor—she has been seeing her for about 6-months. Last Spring we had a couple situations that were clearly scary “cries for help,” from SD.

The counselor has been trying to contact BM and arrange for BM to come see her. Well, last night, DH found out that the counselor finally managed to talk to BM on the phone and BM said she will not come to talk with her.

Great. SD is crushed.

Not a lot I can do. SD doesn’t want her stepmom—she wants her mom. Even though SD likes me she still feels those loyalty issues that BM has instituted over the past several years.

On somewhat of a side note—sort of related, but not entirely—related to me being a better stepmom—but far from perfect.

Friday-night I was really irritated with DH, SD, and SS. It is one night we can have dinner together and when I call people to eat—nobody comes!
Grrr!

I mentioned it. SD said she was asleep. I responded that this wasn’t the first time this has ever happened—in a snippy tone.

Sd was upset about it because she comes when I call for dinner—SS is the one who lolly-gags. I later told SD that if I ever say something that upsets her or she feels is unfair to tell me. I told her that I don’t want to hurt her. She said OK and that she doesn’t want to hurt me either.

Then we hugged—sort of.